Looks Good on Paper

Have you ever been around someone who:

• Seems really fun and cool
• Is nice to others
• Shares your interests and hobbies

…but despite all of this, you don’t enjoy being around them?

A while back, I met someone who met all the qualifications above. On paper, we were well-matched to become friends.

But for some reason, I felt unsettled and terrible every time I was around her. My self-confidence would plummet and I’d spend hours trying to lift myself up again.

“What is wrong with me? I should be happy to be around someone like that,” I kept thinking to myself. 

Finally, after some inner work, I realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. My gut was actually showing me that key elements were lacking with this acquaintance.

So, I took out the Friendship Stickiness Chart to understand what was actually happening.

Yup, there it was, clear as day. Two major points were missing.

• “you can be your true self and not feel judged for it”
  • Embarrassingly, I was trying to force myself into being someone else, just to be accepted by her. I felt like I would be judged for letting out my true self and my flaws. 

• “you share and learn from one another”
  • My experiences didn’t seem to be of value in our conversations – IE the learning felt one-sided. Maybe this isn’t the case with you, but I need to feel like I’m both learning and teaching/helping in any relationship. 

No wonder I left the interactions with her feeling empty inside. 

Nobody wants to strive to “fit in” or wear a mask to hide their true selves. That’s not an authentic friendship. 

We all deserve to be around people who let us vent, laugh, cry, and not feel judged when we do it. It can be hard to remember that in the moment, especially when we are around someone we deem “cooler than us”, but we really are worth loving. 

I obviously needed that reminder in this situation, too. 

It’s worth mentioning that I have no hard feelings towards this particular person and still greatly admire her. But I can do that from a distance, and instead, focus my energy on friends who I feel my best around. 

Moral of the story? 

Some people look good on paper, but they might not be the right friend for us. 

A couple years ago, this situation would have been different. I would have kept trying to hang out with this person, blaming the emotions on something else. 

Understanding how feelings manifest inside, as well as recognizing my own worth, has given me the tools to sift through the noise and move on.

You can do this, too. All you need to do is check in with your body. Notice how you feel during and after situations. Then, find the freedom to let go of what isn’t working, and instead seek out the right people to let in.

So, here’s your homework this week:

Pay attention to how you feel after interactions with people – friends, strangers, etc.

If you get good enough, you’ll start to recognize the contrast of those people who: 

• make you feel amazing about yourself
• lift you up and enjoy your company
• leave you feeling less confident or empty
• bring out a different side of you that isn’t true to your nature

You might be surprised by what you notice. You can keep a journal to track your emotions. Also know that just because one experience with a friend felt bad doesn’t mean that it will every time. Some people just have off days. 

You will start to notice a pattern pretty quickly, though, of how someone ultimately makes you feel. 

• Don’t overthink it. Trust your body and emotions. That’s your inner self telling you the truth.
• Celebrate those that bring out your best self, and if possible, limit interactions with people who don’t. 
• If you can’t avoid them, find ways to lift up your confidence in those moments. Perhaps use a mantra or grounding meditation to find your strength before entering a conversation with them.

We can CHOOSE who we spend our time around.

Are you putting your energy into the person who looks good on paper…or the one who is better in 3D?