Learning from Regret

What is something that weighs on you? Have you found any solace in doing things different in the future?

Today I will tell you a story about the loss of a friend and how the guilt and regret from it became a pivotal learning lesson.

I met this friend in 2013. Let’s call her Jane. I had recently moved to a new city and didn’t know many people. 

One night, my former boyfriend and I were out with a group of mostly his friends and their spouses. Jane was hanging out with this group, and we immediately hit it off. We talked about books, art projects, and notably, our shared love for the Lord of the Rings movies. 

I wanted to ask her to be my friend, but felt awkward about the whole thing, so I asked my boyfriend what to do. He told me to “just ask for her number! See if she wants to do something with you.”

It was still awkward, but a great lesson in how to make adult friendships.

Jane and I were friends for rest of the 5 years I lived in that town. When I moved to Colorado, we only spoke sporadically. However, she had a sixth sense about when I’d be visiting, and would text me randomly a couple weeks before. Inevitably, we would make plans to hang out when I was back. It was always nice to catch up.

In July of 2022, I brought my current boyfriend to Michigan to meet my friends and family. Jane was one of the people we were able to see. We had a good time talking to her about our lives, places she wanted to travel, and art projects she was looking forward to working on. Nothing seemed that out of the ordinary. 

A week later, after returning to Colorado, I sent a message to all of my friends, expressing gratitude for their friendship and spending time with them.

I never heard back from Jane.

5 days passed before I received a text from a strange number. It was her long-time partner, letting me know she had passed away. I found out a few days later that she had taken her life, ONE day before I sent that text.

I was devastated. I still think to this day that maybe, just maybe, if my timing had been better, and I had sent that message sooner, she would have seen what a light she was to people in her life.

Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Suffering from depression myself, I know this is not realistic thinking. It might have made a difference, but it might not have.

When bad days come with depression, it can be difficult to crawl out of that cloud. However, knowing the impact and the love that others have for me does make a difference on how often I go to that low place. My assumption is that it helps my friends, too, so I try to express gratitude when I can. I’m not perfect at it, but I do my best.

So, there you have it.

My regret is not sending that gratitude message sooner to her.

But here’s the positive spin and lesson from this story:

This experience showed me that it’s important to be vocal about my own struggles, so that people can know they can come to me when they are going through something. We can all be a beacon of light for someone if they know they have a support system behind them. Perhaps we can make a difference in a life.

The other lesson is to show gratitude and appreciation for your friends and others. And do it often. Even if it’s a compliment about a small things that lit you up, or the impact that someone made on your life. It could make a huge difference in someone’s day to hear it. Don’t wait to do it.

Think about it in your own life – when someone reaches out just to say they are thinking of you, how does it make you feel? Pretty good I’ll bet.

Let’s spread the love and gratitude around. You never know what (or who) you could change.