Make a good friend at work -> leave job -> lose friend.
Have you experienced this head-scratcher?
Why does this happen?
A few years ago, I was very hurt by a work friendship that dissolved. Because I left the company, I felt like I wasn’t part of the “cool club” anymore, and therefore was out socially, too. At least that’s what was running through my head.
Though after some contemplation, it became clear to me why this actually happened. The friendships dissolved because most work friendships are not like regular friendships.
And yet, sometimes work friends can become best friends. A small handful of my long-term friendships have started out in the workplace. There are some key reasons why these people stayed, whereas the dozens of other past work friends did not.
Let’s break it down.
Below, we’ll walk through:
- the data that supports the importance of work pals
- comparing the Friendship Stickiness Chart with a typical work friendship
- how to turn a work buddy into a long-time friend
The Importance of Work Friendships
First, let’s start with why we even make work friends – especially if heartache is almost guaranteed.
Whether we realize it or not, a huge reason we build these relationships is for job satisfaction. Think about it – we spend so much of our time at work. It should be enjoyable, right?
This report stated that 77% of respondents said that building close relationships with colleagues was the most important factor in determining job satisfaction.
Not only that, but you actually have more well-being if you have friends at work. It makes sense. I’ll bet when you have people to talk and laugh with, you are happier and feel like you’re part of a community.
According to this study, employees who have a good friend at work are 7 times more engaged – with customers, better work production, have higher well-being, and are less likely to get injured on the job.
Having more fun and building camaraderie on the job – why wouldn’t you want that in your life? It makes your work worth doing if you enjoy your coworkers.
The best jobs I’ve had were those where I enjoyed the people around me. We had such a good time laughing and doing projects together. I felt grateful for every part of it. On the flip side, when I was in a job without a work buddy, I felt terrible about myself. I called in sick often and would hide out in my cubicle, rather than being seen around the workplace.
So yeah, work friends are important!
How do Work Friends Compare to Long-Lasting Friends?
In a recent blog, I included a Friendship Stickiness Checklist. This checklist helps you determine if your friendships will last. You might want to read that blog before proceeding on. Ready?
Now, let’s compare that checklist to a typical work friendship, shall we?
In a work friendship: You might feel like you can communicate well with your work buddy, but how much time do you really have to talk when you are on the clock? Is there time for deep conversation about everything in your life? And do you feel comfortable sharing your opinions on personal matters without getting shut down?
Usually, social issues and political topics are a faux pas to bring up in the workplace (for good reason). However, it is hard to judge if you can disagree well with someone if there isn’t space to share differing opinions.
In a work friendship: How often do you participate in your true hobbies with your work friends? When I think back to most of my work friends, I rarely did anything of value with them. Most of our endeavors were happy hours or lunches, or an occasional social event.
As far as common interests go, typically it is more about the company mission, coworkers, and customers. This right here is the most important piece – if the main common thread is the company, your friendship is not going to last when you leave.
In a work friendship: You probably go through a lot of big things at the office. You work on projects together, share successes, and challenges that are all related to work. But, here’s the kicker. These big work items don’t necessarily compare to our real-life experiences.
For me, professional accomplishments don’t even compete with what I achieve in my personal life. When I go through something really hard emotionally, such as a breakup or a move, I need true support for that from friends. They need to be there for me outside of work, spending crucial moments in the thick of it with me.
Work projects can be challenging, sure. But do they compare to the emotional turmoil that we face in the outside world?
In a work friendship: Do you let people see all the facets of your personality at work? Or do you tuck some of them away, knowing that there is a professional standard to uphold in the company? Often, there is a hierarchy that dictates social behavior– you shouldn’t get “too familiar” with your boss or subordinates.
Most office settings I’ve worked in, I felt like I had to tone down my personality. I had to be a buttoned-up version of myself and couldn’t speak freely. If you feel that way at work, you might also be holding back parts of you from your work friends without realizing it.
In a work friendship: This goes for both sides. It is important that both parties make it a priority to spend time outside of the office doing activities.
This point was a huge aha moment for me. Looking back on former coworkers, many of them did not want to hang out with me on their free time. They had family obligations or preferred to relax alone. If this was the case when I worked with them, why the heck would it change when I didn’t work with them?
Okay, so, you are probably seeing the pattern here.
If you can’t bring your full self, don’t have common hobbies outside of work, or haven’t been through the life stuff together, your work friendship is not long for this world. And guess what? That’s okay! Not every relationship is meant to be forever. Sometimes we really need people at certain times in our life, and then we move on. We can be grateful for the time spent with them.
Remember those former coworkers that have stayed my long-term friends? These particular friends went through life events with me. We did hobbies and artistic things together. One of them even helped me look for apartments and move out of my ex’s home. Even now, they each make time to see me when I visit, and we chat on the phone once in a while. We supported each other as coworkers outside of the office, and continue to do so today.
How to Turn Work Friends into Long Term Friends
Having work friends makes the 9-5 more enjoyable, but we might not keep them for long-run. It has nothing to do with how “cool” you are, or why you left the job.
You CAN do something about it, though.
Do you want to turn your work buddies into long-term friendships? Start taking action.
- Identify hobbies that you share in common and make a plan to do an activity together. This could be golf, mountain biking, running, art projects, etc.
- Take time to get to know the person they are outside of work. Have conversations that are about life, not work-related. If it keeps coming back to work, tell them you want to refrain from that topic and talk about something else.
- Tell them something more personal about yourself and share your emotions about it. Get a little vulnerable. Build a connection through support and sharing.
If you test out the action items above and your work friends don’t reciprocate, that’s okay. You can still enjoy spending time with them in the office.
However, if you are reading this blog, you might be desiring deeper friendships with people who actually want to do life with you. Friends who make your relationship a priority and support you fully, even on your worst days.
I can help you find and build those friendships. Learn more and sign up for the Find Your Tribe program.
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