Establish Better Boundaries

I was on a group virtual meeting yesterday. Right in the middle of a sentence, this lady’s co-worker just barges into her closed-door office and interrupts her to ask how to spell someone’s name. 

The banter between her and the coworker lasted several minutes before the host figured out how to mute her. 

You might be thinking, this lady needs better boundaries.

Yes, true. But what she really needs is to learn how to love herself again.

Like it or not, your boundaries are directly correlated to your sense of worth and love for yourself.

Think about it. When you “let” other people walk on you, and disrespect you and your time, you are giving the signal that their time/feelings/projects mean more than yours do.

You need to hear this part, though. You aren’t actually “letting” anyone do anything. You are CHOOSING to honor the needs of others over your own.

Deep down, you feel like you are obligated to give to others in order for them to love and accept you. Like they won’t otherwise.

And you are doing this because you don’t love who you are. You feel like you have to bend to the will of others because you don’t recognize that you are worth a damn. 

When you have a strong self-love, you honor yourself by spending your time wisely. You command loving respect, and you give the same to others, which means holding your ground when necessary. Your decisions are purposeful and right for your life. When you choose to help someone, you know it’s from a place of love and a deep trust of yourself, rather than people-pleasing.

Boundaries can be with co-workers, friends, and with family. 

One of my favorite boundary stories is from Oprah. She designated Sundays as her own for solitude and joy. One time she got mad at a friend because they called her on a Sunday, and Oprah felt obligated to answer.

She was complaining to Stedman about it, and he said, “You know, when she calls, you don’t have to pick up the phone. It’s your day and your choice. You can always call her back tomorrow.” 

It was a huge a-ha moment for her. This friend wasn’t stepping on her boundaries! It was Oprah who was choosing to not honor herself.

It’s important to recognize that having poor boundaries trickles into the rest of your life.

By giving away your power to others, you are making yourself smaller and smaller. Not only are you wasting your time and energy on stuff that isn’t yours, but you also lose yourself in the process. 

You start to forget who you are, what you care about, and the joy gets sucked out of your life. Not to mention that you probably feel too fatigued to do the activities you enjoy.

You can’t make the friends you want, because you don’t have the energy or time to devote to it. You may be so beat down by others that you don’t trust anyone to treat you right, either. 

Smashing image: this is how you feel when your boundaries are bowled over

My own boundary issues

Of course, I wouldn’t be writing about this if I didn’t have some experience with it, too. There were a few freelancing projects in the past, where I would do extra work for free because I feared losing the client. 

The result of this behavior? I felt my confidence diminish, I was frustrated with these clients and found that resentment was spilling over into working with and trusting new clients, too.  

As I really started tapping into my inner authority, healing some of those self-worth wounds, and letting go of things that weren’t working anymore, I got better with my boundaries. Clients respected me (and my time) more, and I built a pact with myself that I wouldn’t do that again.

How to Find Self-Love and Better Boundaries

Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you loved yourself. If you knew deep inside that you are the s#!t and are worth loving and respecting. What would it feel like to truly trust yourself and know that you are making the decisions that are best for you? How would you be spending your time? What would your body, mind, and energy level be like? With whom would you choose to surround yourself?

When you envision this life, I’ll bet you don’t see yourself living a life for other people, do you? 

So how do you get there?

Below is a compilation of a few steps to get you started. Click on the button below the steps to get links to all these techniques (you’ll be redirected to the blog with the tools embedded).

Step 1: get clear on your inner authority and trusting yourself. 

We can easily be pulled into a “should I, shouldn’t I” decision-making fatigue when it comes to boundaries. When you develop a strong understanding of what is correct for you, you’ll overcome that pull. Instead, you’ll be convicted on your decision and not let others dictate it for you. 

For example, one of my clients used this technique to decide if she wanted to go to a party or not. She did feel obligated to go initially, but once she used the Sway Test to get the answer of “no, don’t go”, she felt relieved and more in her power to turn down the invitation.

Inner authority guidance tools

Step 2: connect with your inner desires

Often our real dreams and life path are buried below societal pressures and the constant doing that comes in life. To uncover these dreams, I walk my clients through a multi-step process to identify their deepest desires and joys in life. 

One of the first steps is to guide them through an extended version of the Heart Meditation. When you discover your own path, it feels easier to navigate life with purpose. You learn to let go of the things that aren’t part of that journey, and you find a new sense of excitement for what is. 

For example, I used to be like an octopus, with my hands in so many volunteer commitments. One day I sat down and made a list of everything, crossing out what didn’t serve my life goals. It was amazing to see how most of them didn’t serve my plans. I felt convicted in my decision when I turned in my notice.

Step 3: build up your love for self

There are so many ways to find your love for yourself and it can be a marathon, not a sprint. Women who work with me do this over several months, learning techniques to forgive themselves, connect with their inner child, shine their light, and to use their voice effectively.

A few things you can try on your own are create personalized mantras to say before (or during) a stressful situation, write a love letter to yourself, or even saying “I love you” in the mirror whenever you look into one. You can also write down 1 different thing you love about yourself every day, compiling a list of what makes your uniquely you.

Bonus step: Finding peace in the every day

Letting go of anxiety before your day starts can be the best gift you give yourself. I’m a big fan of the grounding meditation to feel calm and stable. On days I don’t do it, I feel the anxiety creeping back into my body.  By grounding yourself, you aren’t so easily swayed by the moods or demands of others. You feel more comfortable just being, rather than doing.

If you have any questions about these techniques, send me a message.

If this all sounds overwhelming to do on your own, I get it. Figuring out what tools and techniques are right for you can be a job all on its own. 

That’s why I’ve created the Reclaim Program. It’s personalized to your needs, obstacles, and desires. Whether your goals are to have more joy, friends, internal peace…or all of the above! 

In this program, you’ll be guided through every step by me. Healing doesn’t have to feel like work! Everything we do is fun, enlightening, reflective, and done with love.  To see if this program is a good fit for you, book a free discovery call with me.

No matter what route you take, I hope you begin to find love for yourself again. We aren’t meant to suffer in this life. We are meant to find the beauty in all of it.