Have you ever hidden parts of yourself from your friends? Things like your hobbies, your interests, your opinions?
Do you put on a facade, pretending to be someone you’re not?
Maybe this pattern repeats itself in friendships, where you end up feeling that you:
- Hide your true personality
- Pretend to agree or mold your opinions to match theirs
- Exaggerate or downplay stories to seem ‘cooler’
Have you ever felt that, to have any friends, you have to live by this mentality of “beggars can’t be choosers”? It can be hard enough finding friends as an adult. It’s easy to slip into the thoughts of “you get what you get and sometimes you need to change to fit in.”
Perhaps, though, by changing (or hiding) parts of yourself to please others, you actually feel more alone than ever.
Does this sound familiar in your life? You’re not the only one!
Did you know that more than 2 out of 3 working adults consider themselves lonely? (Article Source) It makes you wonder if the reason for this is because people are trying to fit in so much that they hide themselves. And when we hide, we don’t truly fit in anywhere.
I, too, have been known to hide myself, and it got really bad after moving to Colorado. Today I’m going to tell you a story about:
- why I felt it was important to be a chameleon
- how it backfired
- one way you can avoid making the same mistake
Here goes.
Caption: Me in 2018, a few months after moving to Colorado.
6 years ago, shortly after moving to Colorado, I got it into my head that it wasn’t okay to show the real me. Like in order to fit into this new city, I had to hide parts of myself that might not be widely accepted.
It was hard enough to move to a new state and leave behind my entire life; I couldn’t fathom going long without having friends, too. I needed to feel like I was part of a community!
So, I adopted the strategy of chameleon. I concealed big parts of my personality and my hobbies, afraid I’d be judged or labeled as weird. When my true self sometimes showed in a conversation, I felt ashamed and worried that I was “too much” or said something stupid.
Does this make sense to you? This negative self-talk and worry about rejection can be a big problem.
As you can probably guess, changing who I was to please others actually left me feeling invisible and empty inside. Nobody knew me fully, and despite having a busy social life, I was very, very lonely. Oh, and by the way, I became a BORING, dull person in the process.
I walked a tightrope so much that I stopped bringing humor or fun to most of my conversations.
Here’s one story that led to me hiding:
Once, I was hanging out with a friend who knew about some of my hobbies. This particular day, in front of a group of people, she began making fun of me and my love for collecting rocks and crystals.
It was very embarrassing, and I suddenly felt like I didn’t fit in with the group; that clearly it wasn’t a “cool” hobby to have.
But instead of walking away from that friendship, I started censoring what I said around her so that I appeared to be more “normal”. I also began hiding my personality and interests even more from others, rather than risk more rejection or shame.
Luckily, after a while, I finally realized I couldn’t afford to be around ‘friends’ where I couldn’t be the real me. I ended that friendship, because it was clear from this, and other incidents, that it wasn’t bringing me happiness.
I decided I didn’t want to make – and fake – friendships this way anymore.
The feeling of ‘loneliness’ couldn’t be the driving reason I stayed in friendships, or why I settled for the wrong people.
After this experience, I set out to find friends who let me be myself around them without fear of repercussion. To be authentically seen for who I truly am.
Quality over quantity is my motto now, and it’s served me well. The best part? I feel like I DO fit in and that my real personality and interests are cherished by those I let into my circle.
This can be your life, too. You don’t need to change yourself to fit in anymore.
Caption: A recent (unflattering) photo of a good friend and I chewing on a leaf of Slippery Elm. We embrace each other’s hobbies and interests – like foraging for plants!
How to Stop Hiding
How can you bring more of yourself to a friendship? Truth be told, that’s a complicated answer, and one that I’ll address in several newsletters and blogs (subscribe here to get them in your inbox!).
However, here’s one way to start:
Test out your current friends (or potential friends!) by telling them about a hobby or interesting topic you enjoy. They may surprise you in their response. This could be their interest as well, OR they might be curious to learn more from you.
It could spark a really great bond between you, which would lead to more trust, and eventually, a feeling a safety to “let your hair down” more.
For example, when I got brave and started telling people that I was a Reiki healer and clairvoyant, many ears perked up and they wanted to know more. Believe me, that was very scary for me to do at first. But what happened was old friendships got stronger, and new friendships have blossomed. Those that did not respond well to this information helped me see that they probably are not my people. And that’s okay.
Quality over quantity, remember?
If you try this yourself, please send me a message with your results! It’s so exciting to learn about how you are building your own community.
P.S. : Finding quality friends (over quantity) can be difficult. Especially if you are worried about rejection or need more accountability. You deserve to have good friends who love you for you.
If you want help finding new friends, and are tired of doing it alone, the Find your Tribe program might be the next right step for you. Start to build relationships with people who make you feel like family, lift you up, and support you no matter what.
During the 8-week program you’ll receive:
- A strategic action plan to meet potential friends, suited to your personality and goals
- Roleplaying activities to enhance your conversations
- Discussions to increase your confidence in social situations
- Reflections to empower you and let go of negative self-talk
- Bi-weekly check-in meetings
Want to meet new friends…but don’t know where to start?
Build a lasting circle of friends with the Friendship Road Map – your free gift for signing up for the Rosa Joy newsletter.
- Go from “alone and doing nothing” to a social calendar full of incredible experiences.
- Discover interesting outlets for meeting people, even if it has seemed like there’s not much to do where you live.
- Most people say they want good friends, but never do anything about it. I’ll show you how to take the right actions to not only meet new people, but to find the RIGHT friends for you.