Feeling Unwelcome – Advice and Reflection

This week, I attended a smaller group event. Despite having met/conversed with a few people in this group before, I was feeling out of sorts and a bit like an outsider. Conversations with some of them seemed difficult and strained. I kept wondering if I smelled bad or if I had something in my teeth. 

Has this happened to you before? How did you handle it?

If you felt anything like me during that situation, you might have wanted to make up and excuse and run out of the room. Believe me, I contemplated it. 

Instead, I took my own advice and made a beeline to different people that I knew I had previous conversations with that were really fun. There had been little opportunity to do that earlier in the gathering, but luckily the room opened up and I had the chance.

Long story short, I ended up learning something new about each of these people. The best part of it was that they seemed genuinely interested to talk with me. 

I left that event feeling a strange mix of emotions – hurt, depleted, but also proud of myself for putting myself out there, being friendly, and not running away.

So now we get to the cheerleading and advice part of this blog.

Like you, I have to remind myself of the time-tested statement from “The Four Agreements” – Don’t take anything personally! Often, the feelings of rejection are coming from inside of you, not from the other person. They might have something going on in their own lives, or maybe it’s just an off day for them. Try again next time and see what happens.

In fact, I met someone a few months ago who was very short with me when I gave her a compliment. But then the next time I saw her and started having a conversation, she was really friendly and talked to me for a long time. I was surprised in the moment, but it just goes to show that people’s moods fluctuate.

But then there is also this. If you keep trying to engage with a person or group a couple times and still feel bad, you can consider this advice that a mentor told me: when someone is dismissive, unfriendly, or otherwise, it’s a great opportunity to celebrate them. Celebrate that person for showing you up front that they won’t be a good relationship for you. You can move on and not waste time on trying to get to know them. What a profound concept, huh?

Here’s the thing – you get to decide if something feels right for you or not. I’ve always been a person who likes to try something out 2-3 times to see if it’s a good fit. That was my rule in dating, and that is my rule for groups and networking events as well. If my first experience was horrible, I won’t try again, but most of the time, if I engage with at least 1 or 2 nice people, I will go back. It’s okay if I decide that it’s not the right group for me, but I want to be sure I gave it a chance. Use your gut (intuition) and decide what’s really best for you.

Meeting new people or starting over in a community can be CHALLENGING. I have moved many times in my life, and it’s never that easy. Sure, I do find friendly acquaintances pretty quickly. But the people who I find are actually at my level, want to talk about the deep stuff, and actually want to get to know the real me? That takes a bit of time and lots of effort.

Finding the people you truly vibe with can only really be achieved by testing out new groups, putting yourself out there, getting rejected, and doing it all over again. The most important piece of all of it is figuring out who you want to be and how you want to feel with your friends. If you leave the same event or group feeling poorly again and again, you might want to consider looking elsewhere and finding people who lift you up. 

One of the best examples I have of instant welcome is from December 2017. My friend and I were apartment hunting in Colorado Springs (visiting from Michigan). As former Rotarians, I contacted the East Colorado Springs Rotary Club to see if we could come to a meeting. They instead invited us to their holiday party at the club president’s home. I’ve never felt so much love from strangers in my life! Everyone took time to chat with us and make sure we were enjoying our time at the party. Needless to say, I immediately joined the Rotary Club when I officially moved to Colorado Springs a few months later.

Okay so here are the final takeaways from this blog today. 

Firstly, if you’ve found yourself in a position of feeling unwelcomed or awkwardly out of place in a group or at an event, try your best to seek out the friendliest people. You’ll spot them by their big smiles, open body language, and overall good energy. If you tried and can’t find someone like that, you have permission to leave! Those clearly aren’t your people. Pat yourself on the back for getting out there, and keep looking.

I also want you to please hear this: There’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t weird and you don’t smell bad. Some people just aren’t as friendly or do not know how to be welcoming. Or, you’re just not their cup of tea. You aren’t going to hit it off with everyone, and that’s okay. Lucky for you, it’s your choice of who you surround yourself with – choose people who you enjoy and it feels easy to be around. Choose people who let you be your REAL you.

You are not alone in this. I’m here for you! Leave a comment or send a message if you have a story to share.

If you want someone to be with you every step of the way to finding real, deep friendships, you might be ready for the Find your Tribe program. I’ll be your cheerleader, strategist, and creative guide while you’re putting yourself out there.