We all know that having good friends can benefit your life in many ways, including your health.
In the story below, you’ll hear about my friend “Jane” and her obstacles with health issues and loneliness. I’ll also share 3 things she did to build better connection with friends; these are tips you can use in your life as well.
How to Build Connection and Stop Loneliness
Jane recently went through a very big move across many states…to a place where she knew nobody. She felt equipped to handle the hardships of the move, but there were many other hurdles that arose. Health issues started surfacing, and she often had trouble with fatigue, cloudiness, and even finding motivation to work.
Jane recognized that some of these health problems were from loneliness and feeling up-rooted. She knew it was crucial for her wellbeing that she build a strong community around her. When she began intentionally seeking this out, she made her first new friend within a short time!
From the start, though, there was something wrong with the friendship. Despite them spending a lot of time together, Jane still felt very lonely.
Although that friend was so sweet and supportive, Jane was afraid to open up to her about real things.
Her friend would share some real struggles that she was facing, but Jane really wasn’t being vulnerable with her – she would merely touch the surface with how hard things were. Even if she wanted to, she didn’t even know how to begin those conversations.
Her friend wasn’t getting to hear her real thoughts and feelings.
How was her friend supposed to step into the supportive role that Jane actually needed…. if she wasn’t even given the opportunity?
Worse yet, Jane was still struggling with her health issues and feeling unsettled from her move. She had found a friend, but she wasn’t truly building the community she needed yet. She was holding herself back.
Quality Friendships Begin with Healing Ourselves
It was apparent that Jane had some healing to do inside regarding trust with friends.
She hadn’t learned how to have healthy conversations with people. Truth is, many of us probably have never learned how to do this. We aren’t exactly taught this skill in school!
But you can see the problem with this situation. Without trust and vulnerability, there isn’t a chance for a good friendship to flourish. That support and strong community Jane wanted were unachievable if she was too scared to let her friend truly see her.
Unfortunately, we don’t know what we don’t know, but we all have the chance to change once we become more aware.
Luckily for Jane, she realized that it was important to change her behavior. She began working with me through the Find Your Tribe program. This 8-week deep-dive helped her to heal herself, increase her confidence, and build better connections with friends.
So how did she learn to build trust and allow herself to be vulnerable in a friendship?
3 Ways to Improve Conversations and Increase Trust
Here are three methods that Jane used to dramatically improve her confidence, trust, and conversations.
#1 Active and Reflective Listening
This type of listening is focused on what the other person is saying, rather than being preoccupied with your own thoughts or what to say next.
- When you are in a conversation, really listen to the other person.
- Once they have finished sharing their thoughts, reflect their words backto them to ensure you truly heard what they were saying.
- For example, you can use the phrase: “What I hear you saying is [insert dialogue]….is this what you mean?”
- A good conversation has ebbs and flows – it is not one sided. Each person should take turns with saying their thoughts and feelings.
The more you practice active listening, the better you show up in a friendship as someone to confide in. You’ll also get a good feel for what friends are truly listening to you, too, and who is worthy to know your authentic self.
Jane found that she immediately noticed the contrast of people who listened or who didn’t, which made her feel more confident for Tip #2.
#2 Test the Waters
Jane was nervous to talk about her feelings and “secrets”, so I suggested that she take mini steps by sharing small, vulnerable things about herself with different friends.
Try this out yourself. Share something small, but slightly personal, such as:
- your thoughts or feelings about a future situation
- a current problem you are facing and asking for advice
- a slightly embarrassing story from the past
By doing this “experiment”, you can determine how you feel with the friend after sharing. If you feel safe, comforted, and supported, that could be a good indication of trust. If you feel negative reactions, you would know that the friendship might not go past surface level.
The more Jane opened up, the easier it was to trust certain people, especially because she felt loved and validated after sharing.
#3 Choose Appropriate Locations for Hang Outs
Pick locations to hang out where you can really connect one-on-one. Choose environments that are:
- comfortable and casual
- welcoming with warm energy
- quiet enough to hear each other
Have you ever tried to tell a friend something serious, only to be interrupted by a waiter or – worst yet – your friend can’t hear you over the music blaring over the speaker? When that happens to me, sometimes I am too embarrassed to repeat myself again. The moment of confiding in the friend is lost.
This is why your environment is important! True connection is best built in a safe, relaxing location where everyone is heard.
Once Jane implemented these three forms of connecting, her conversations and trust in others changed for the better. She had more awareness of who she wanted to keep in her life and those she could let go. Her friendships felt more fulfilling, she was less lonely, and she felt like she could bring her true self to the table…even in new relationships.
She was finally letting herself out of her own cage.
With these three tactics, you hopefully will see for yourself that you can learn to open up and be a better friend to others, too. It’s important to remember that not everyone deserves our trust, but there are many ways to figure out who does.
Your relationships can only thrive if you let your friends see the real you.
Curious about the Find Your Tribe program? Healing and intentionality CAN be the key to have amazing friendships. Click below to learn more.
